3 Things I’m Glad I Did When My Son Turned 13

I recently became a dad to an official teenager. 

I’m only two months into the gig, and stumbling my way through but it’s been incredible so far (mostly because Isaiah, my firstborn, is an awesome teenager).  

While I know I’ll have some misses as a dad during his teenage years, here are 3 things I’m glad I did when my son turned 13: 

1. Threw him a rite-of-passage celebration 

I first heard this concept from Jon Tyson, author of “The Intentional Father” and was inspired by it. I invited Isaiah’s “local village” (think family members, his youth pastor, his life group leader, our life-group dads and their boys his age) for a get together at our house to kickoff his journey towards manhood. 

We kept it simple but purposeful. We had dinner, took time to affirm the things we saw in Isaiah, prayed over him, and enjoyed dessert. I made sure a photographer was present to take high quality photos and videos. I had the affirmations recorded, transcribed, and sent both to his email address so he could always go back and remember what was said about him. 

The goal was to let him know that becoming a teenager was a big deal and that he had the support of his entire village who were cheering his journey in becoming the man the Lord wanted him to be. 

2. Coached him on his new relationship shifts with mom and dad 

As someone who is excited about raising young men, I shared with Isaiah how I was going to adjust the ways I would relate with him. “I’m going to be less directive-dad and be more coach-dad.” I wanted to shift away from being directive to offering a lot more guidance, support and collaboration. Of course, there will be many times where I must be highly directive, but I wanted to level-set our dynamic. 

I also had a conversation with him when it came to mom. I shared with him that while I (as a man) was excited about his journey towards manhood, I told him that mom’s perspective will be layered and invited him to broaden his perspective and approach to his mom: “In mom’s eyes, no matter how old you are or how big you get, you will always be her little baby boy. You being big and desiring independence is new for you, but it’s new for her too. She’s excited for you and she’s also learning how to love her baby eagle now wanting to fly.”

3. Empowered him with more responsibility & liberty 

I’ve invited Isaiah to be a greater owner in our household. Cleanliness of the car. Wiping down the dinner table. Starting the dish washer. Doing the laundry. Walking the dog. Bringing in the trash can. Facilitating his siblings. On the flip side, I’ve given him greater trust and liberty. Free time? He can spend it the way he wants whether it’s shooting hoops or playing video games. Purchasing something with his own money? It’s up to him.

Some may think I’m asking him to grow up too quickly but I see it much differently. Life will one day demand more responsibility than he ever thought. I believe the weight of responsibility today should be enough to prepare him for tomorrow’s weight. I also believe the liberty today should be a training ground for wise enjoyment of the expanded freedoms in adulthood.  

Jesus and His Journey to Manhood 

In the Scriptures, we find in one literal page turn Jesus described as a 12 year old boy (Luke 2:42) and then as a 30 year old man (Luke 3:23). These two chapters contain the only times Jesus’ age is mentioned in the Bible and demonstrate a forward motion from boyhood to manhood in the life of the perfect man.

While I know Isaiah will be an imperfect man and my attempts to be a dad will also be imperfect, I’m thankful I got to lay my hand down on the slowly hardening cement of my son’s development, which I pray points him to His ultimate, perfect Father.

If you’re a dad with a son who has not yet turned 13, I invite you to be intentional and begin to dream about how you can make the start of his teenage years significant for your son.

If you’re a dad with a son who has already turned 13, I invite you to be intentional about his next milestone birthday (16, 18, 21). Go to an extremely nice dinner or take a special trip somewhere.

If you’re a dad with a son who is well beyond the earlier milestones, I invite you to simply be intentional about the next needed step. Send over that text message and tell him you’re proud of him. Ask him out for early morning Saturday breakfast and catch up. My dad asks me weekly, “Is everything good?” and that question alone blows wind in my sails. It’s never too late to be intentional.

You don’t have to be a perfect father. That job is already taken by our heavenly Father. But let’s be the dads we long to be, recognizing that very desire comes from our Father above.