One “Do” and One “Don’t” For Giving Feedback Like a Pro
I found myself in a heated exchange.
What began with the intent for a purposeful conversation quickly devolved into accusations and defensiveness. Ever find yourself in a similar situation?
How do we provide good feedback? How do we communicate constructively in a way that our feedback is more likely to be received by the hearer?
While there’s no fireproof method, some methods are better than others, and it's a good practice to aim for precision rather than personalization.
DON’T Personalize the Feedback
Lee Ross, a Stanford University professor and social psychologist, coined the term "fundamental attribution error" to describe the tendency to explain behavior with their character or disposition, while underestimating the influence of situational factors.
The “fundamental attribution error” sounds like this: “You did this because you are that kind of person.” It shifts the focus away from an action or contextual realities to a person’s character.
As you can imagine, this kind of feedback is likely to be met with defensiveness and high emotions. This is because personalization feels, well, personal. It feels like a personal attack. You probably wouldn’t mind having an honest conversation about something you did wrong. You will certainly mind if someone says you are the kind of person who does wrong.
To give feedback by attributing one’s behavior to one’s fundamental character or disposition is a dead-end street.
So what’s a better alternative? Instead of attributing behavior to one’s character, it will be far more profitable to speak with specificity on the facts of the situation.
DO Speak Precisely on the Facts
The Center for Creative Leadership developed a feedback model called “Situation, Behavior, and Impact” (SBI) for how individuals can speak with greater precision. The model invites the giver of feedback to do three things:
Clarify the Situation
Describe the Behavior
Explain the Impact
SBI lived out would say, “My understanding is that when [situation] occurred, you responded by [behavior], which led to [impact]. Is my understanding accurate? Is that how you saw it?”
While this may still be met with some discomfort on the part of the hearer, it gives the hearer the gift of feedback broken down into objective parts, turning them into digestible concepts focused on “the what” instead of “the who.”
At the very least, the stage will have been set for a meaningful dialogue to ensue since the other individual recognizes the opportunity to provide “the other side of the story” or an apology. Fundamental attribution error, on the other hand, gives far less emotional margin for meaningful conversation. Who has time to discuss what happened when conclusions about “who” have been reached?
Serve the Other And Be at Peace
Choosing precision over personalization isn’t some sort of a magical formula guaranteed to work every time. The recipient of your feedback may still blow up in your face.
But even if that happens, you’ll be in a much better position to go to bed later that evening knowing that you took time to serve the other person well by curating intentional feedback.
Precision is an act of service. It’s a form of love. To be precise is to hold up a mirror for someone’s potential blind spots. It’s to reflect with accuracy the reality that the other person may not have seen or chose not to see. It’s a labor of love to analyze and lean in with curiosity rather than a quick, unilateral judgment of character.
“That’s so much work!” you might say, but when your precise feedback meets a receptive listener, it will be more than worth it. Proverbs 25:12 says, “A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.” It brings joy and honor to the individuals involved.
For your next crucial conversation, what would it look like to choose the golden path of honorably joy? Be specific about “the what” and avoid making it personal. Ask yourself, “Am I addressing the action or am I attacking the person?”
Make feedback into a gift of gold (and not a grenade), and everyone around you will win.
