2 Counterfeit Forms of “Forgiveness” To Avoid

Do you remember the classic game, “Two Truths and a Lie?”

Applied to the topic of forgiveness, I believe there are two counterfeit “forgivenesses” in our culture and then a true and beautiful version of it.

Counterfeit 1: Robotic “Forgiveness”

Robotic “forgiveness” believes forgiveness should be a quick and automatic response to an offense. The person who subscribes to this view believes forgiveness should work like a microwave. If someone has offended you, just pop in the offense into the forgiveness microwave, and forgiveness will ding in about 30 seconds.

This view can flourish in dysfunctional relationships. It can also thrive in spiritual environments that teach a version of “cheap grace” which relies on speed to create as many “comeback” stories as possible. Robotic “forgiveness” is not true forgiveness.

Counterfeit 2: Revenge “Forgiveness”

Revenge “forgiveness” is where the victim expects the perpetrator to pay for their actions through public embarrassment. Humiliation for one’s actions can atone for one’s wrongs. In this view, being “sorry” is insufficient. Groveling is the starting point and vengeance is the ultimate goal.

Philosopher Martha C. Nussbaum in her work “Anger and Forgiveness: Resentment, Generosity, Justice” says this is actually revenge disguised as forgiveness and inevitability leads to a perpetuating war between both parties. Revenge “forgiveness” is also not true forgiveness.

4 Requirements of True Forgiveness

In Tim Keller’s work “Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I?” he says that there are four requirements to forgiveness:

“To forgive, then, is first to name the trespass truthfully as wrong and punishable, rather than merely excusing it. Second, it is to identify with the perpetrator as a fellow sinner rather than thinking how different from you he or she is. It is to will their good. Third, it is to release the wrongdoer from liability by absorbing the debt oneself rather than seeking revenge and paying them back. Finally, it is to aim for reconciliation rather than breaking off the relationship forever. If you omit any one of these four actions, you are not engaging in real forgiveness.”

If Keller is right, we see the glaring shortcomings of the two forgiveness counterfeits.

Robotic “forgiveness” disregards the first three components of what Keller describes. This counterfeit doesn’t really come to grips with the truth but bypasses reality. This counterfeit doesn’t identify with the perpetrator because one can’t even dignify an individual’s agency for the wrong actions they’ve taken. The counterfeit can’t release and absorb because one cannot release that which one cannot admit and own. Oh, and here’s the end result of this initial “noble” route: You will eventually boil and explode from the grief of unprocessed reality.

Revenge “forgiveness” also disregards the last two components of forgiveness. This counterfeit does not let someone absorb the cost but demands revenge. This counterfeit will never let someone pursue reconciliation because they’re too preoccupied with winning.

These two counterfeit versions of forgiveness fail us.

True Forgiveness is Re-Applied Forgiveness

Re-applied forgiveness is forgiving the way that God has forgiven us. It’s not about generating our own forgiveness through our own willpower but allowing the tidal wave of forgiveness we’ve experienced to trickle down to the relationships around us.

God truly forgave us didn’t He? He accurately named our trespasses. He identified with us to the point of becoming a human being for us in Jesus. He absorbed the cost in full by dying on the cross for our sins. He gave us reconciliation and adoption into His own family. God forgave us on a cosmic level!

Jesus alludes to these realities in his parable in Matthew 18 when the King forgives the man who owed him ten thousand talents. Jesus’ point is that followers of Jesus have been forgiven an incalculable amount we could never repay.

The surprising turn in the story is that the man did not reapply for another the very forgiveness he had experienced. He had created a dam in his heart which blocked forgiveness from funneling downward to another.

Followers of Jesus forgive because we have been forgiven of much. We don’t forgive out of our own willpower but out of the overflow of the forgiveness we have received.

Concluding Thoughts

Is reapplied forgiveness truly the best path forward?

Here’s Keller’s take:

“Some think that by remaining angry they are giving the wrongdoers what they deserve. But in reality you are enabling their actions to continue to hurt you. If instead, bit by bit, you grant forgiveness in this way, eventually you’ll begin to feel forgiveness.”

Those who don’t truly forgive continue to drag the past into their present and future. We believe we are free to continually condemn the offender, but we’re in fact prisoners of our own lack of forgiveness. Jesus makes this point when the unforgiving man in Jesus’ parable finds himself in prison, not because he could not repay the king but because he did not forgive another. Continually choose unforgiveness? We will not be able to choose freedom.

Choose freedom. Forgive truly.