Marriage, Ministry, and My Biggest Mistakes
“One day I [Tim Keller] came home from work. It was a nice day outside and I noticed that the door to our apartment’s balcony was open. Just as I was taking off my jacket I heard a smashing noise coming from the balcony. In another couple of seconds I heard another one. I walked out on to the balcony and to my surprise saw Kathy sitting on the floor. She had a hammer, and next to her was a stack of our wedding china. On the ground were the shards of two smashed saucers.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
She looked up and said, “You aren’t listening to me. You don’t realize that if you keep working these hours you are going to destroy this family. I don’t know how to get through to you. You aren’t seeing how serious this is. This is what you are doing.” And she brought the hammer down on the third saucer. It splintered into pieces.”
Ministry will create stressors on a marriage.
To be sure, ministry is a blessing. It can strengthen a marriage.
But due to the unique nature of ministry, stressors can sometimes be more acutely felt.
Here are 4 mistakes I made as a married person in ministry:
1. Not Lead Out of My Marriage
Frankly put, there were times I prioritized ministry over my marriage.
Whether it was saying “yes” to ministry opportunities without her consideration or more passionately investing in a project than pursuing her, I’ve been guilty of these at one time or another.
Peter Scazzero in “The Emotionally Healthy Leader” rightly describes marriage and singleness as a calling or vocation. He says “….We work out [our relationship to Jesus] through our secondary callings, or vocations, as single or married persons.”
In other words, marriage (or singleness) is one’s first ministry, followed by church ministry. Marriage becomes - in the words of Scazzero - the “first ambition”, “first passion”, and “your loudest gospel message.” I haven’t always gotten this right.
2. Let My Role Monopolize My Spouse’s Church Experience
Whether it was burdening her with church issues she didn’t have to know about or not being the most supportive in her church friendships, there have been times I’ve colored in too much of her church experience with the crayon of my role as a church staffer.
This is tricky of course, because it’s partly unavoidable. The church experience of a pastor’s wife will inevitably be affected by his role. And this can be a great thing.
But I do think there’s a way for this dance to happen in true partnership, in a way where a spouse’s membership to the church is honored and not just a spouse’s title in the church.
And I think there’s a way for this to happen where a spouse feels like the church is her husband’s and not her own.
3. Not Dignify My Spouse’s Ministry Opinions
My wife has given me some great ministry thoughts over our years together.
There were times when I engaged her thoughts and it ended up benefiting the ministry.
But there were other times when I didn’t really engage her and her ideas and I’m not quite sure why I didn’t. Maybe I disagreed with an initial presupposition or listened to a podcast that said the contrary.
But I regret not dignifying her voice because I now see that those were missed opportunities.
They were opportunities to for us to develop and sharpen one another, where we could grow and challenge each other. But aside from that, they were opportunities for us to simply be together and hang out.
4. Not Fight For My Spouse’s Sacred Space
I once heard an elder say that the loneliest person in the church is the pastor’s wife.
What I should’ve responded with is - “And the person most at fault for that may very well be the pastor.”
A pastor’s wife finds herself in a unique place very few people can understand. And while a pastor can’t fully understand, I think a pastor can take steps to create “sacred space” -spaces of safety, community, and fun for honest sharing, support, and friendship. If pastors need spaces of safety and community, don’t their wives need it as well?
Currently, my wife is part of a pastors’ wives group. Seeing her have this as a resource makes me regret not fighting for a healthy space for her sooner in our ministry partnership. I know it’s not my job to be my spouse’s savior, but wish I did something.
Yes, my spouse is very gracious.
For those of us in ministry, there are two reasons why marriage can and should be your first ministry:
Someone can replace your role at your church. It may be hard to believe, but it’s true. It was God who appointed you there in the first place and He did so by His good pleasure, not because of your resume.
No one should replace your role as a spouse in your marriage. God sealed our covenant union with our spouse. It’s our privilege to steward it and make our marriage relationship our loudest gospel declaration.
This is why I believe the New Testament pushes us toward an “inside-out” approach even when it comes to choosing church elders. Can’t manage the home? Shouldn’t manage the church (1 Timothy 3:4).
And should we decide we want to be irreplaceable in our churches instead of our marriages, that’s a decision we make to our own peril, so we must think carefully about what we want.
If you’re the spouse of someone in ministry, you’re an incredible gift to your spouse and to the church. You hold such power and influence. Therefore, please steward that power well.
Some of us may need to speak up more about our ministry spouse’s lack of boundaries or people pleasing tendencies. The story of Tim and Kathy Keller is an example of a “godly tantrum” (her words) to help get her point across. Others however, may need to come alongside and champion your spouse’s efforts more. But whatever role you may need to play, please know you hold more sway than you could ever imagine.
If you’re a follower of Jesus, please pray for the marriages of your church staff. It really just takes one marriage implosion to do significant damage to a church. Please pray for protection. And please encourage your pastors to have a healthy staff culture where marriage is truly prioritized as a first ministry.
Ministry stressors in a marriage are real. But so is the opportunity for grace to be given for one another. I’m grateful for that.
