One of the greatest pains in ministry is the pain inflicted by our partners and teammates in ministry. 

You’ve heard the stories.

A youth pastor is mistreated by the lead pastor.

The lead pastor is backstabbed by an associate pastor.

A pastor is unfairly criticized by a member of the elder board.

A pastor takes a number of people from his church of employment to start his own church. 

Church ministry is hard as it is. But friendly fire? This can catch us off guard. 

But there can be an invaluable embedded gift under the crucible of this kind of leadership pain: Refinement in the core of the leader.

See, any seasoned leader would tell you that the greatest threat to one’s ministry and leadership is more internal than external. While challenging circumstances can hurt a leader, one’s propensity to serve his or her own kingdom in the way of the world (rather than God’s Kingdom in the way of the King) is easily the greater danger. In other words, the most dangerous person to one’s ministry is the un-refined, untested version of oneself who lives out of self-interest. 

Therefore, the pain we experience from the hand of another Christian leader can be the very enrollment into the university by which we look in the mirror and learn to become servants of God over ourselves. 

This is the driving idea of the classic work of Gene Edwards in A Tale of Three Kings: A Study of Brokenness. 

In it, Edwards assesses the life of Saul, David, and Absalom in the following ways: 

1. Saul and Absalom are the same people in different leadership life cycles. Saul is the ascended king while Absalom is the ascending king. The prior already claimed the throne and was worried about a rising hero while the latter wants to seize the throne which was not yet his. Both, however, are of the same order: self-reliant, unbroken, and not-surrendered. The pursuit of their own kingdoms takes precedence over the Kingdom of God. They want their desires fulfilled. This is manifested in their desire to kill David to get what they want.

2. David is the antithesis of Saul and Absalom. David is broken, surrendered, and does not rely on himself. When Saul tries to kill David, David does not retaliate (even when given the opportunity to kill Saul). When David flees the kingdom from Saul, he does not take a single person with him (though the rightful future king). He also responds in the exact same way when Absalom tries to seize the throne from him. He does not retaliate. For David, the Kingdom of God takes precedence over his own kingdom. He desires what God desires. He will not lay a hand on another out of fear of the Lord.

3. David arrives at this place of humility because of the crucible of fleeing from Saul’s pursuit prior to his kingship. To use Edwards’ imagery, God used the decades-long assault from the physical Saul to destroy the inner Saul of David’s heart to prepare him for leadership marked by purity and dependence on God. This is why David responded with the same humility at Absalom’s insurrection. His heart had already been tested and purified. His inner Saul had been annihilated a long time ago. 

Edwards’ thesis is simple: We can either be after the order of Saul and be outwardly empowered or we can follow after the order of David and lead out of inward transformation. But the difference, according to Edwards, is from the crucible and pain David had endured at the hands of Saul. God used this pain to bend David’s will to submit to His ultimate authority. He used it to break David to lead with humility when he would step into his role. He used it to beckon David to live with open-handedness rather than the tight-fisted-ness of trying to build one’s own kingdom.

Reading this book made me ask myself the following questions and I hope these questions are of help to you: 

1. What are the past ministry hurts I’ve experienced from other leaders?

2. What are the facts of the events? What interpretations (true and false) have I held onto?

3. Have I processed the pain? Have I processed it well or am I still bitter today?

4. In what ways could my pain be leaking in my leadership today?

5. What do I ultimately desire from my ministry pains? Do I desire payback and vindication? Or do I desire something more? And if so, what? 

6. Do I believe I am just as capable of inflicting that kind of hurt in others?

7. What might God be trying to do in me?

8. What might He be trying to do FOR me? 

9. Who can I invite into prayer (without gossiping) for this process? 

10. How might my experiences make me more effective in ministry? How is this already showing up today?

Conclusion

This post isn’t to justify or excuse the ways Christian leaders mistreat other leaders. No, we should call sin for what it is. While this post isn’t trying to minimize sins and pains, this post is also trying to not minimize the activity of God in and through the pain.

We know God can mean for good what others meant for evil. We teach and preach this, surely we’re also invited to live it.

If you’re in ministry and haven’t yet experienced pain at the hand of another leader, I pray it never happens. However, I encourage you to have a sober-minded view of church ministry. It is a beautiful but messy family of God. We sin and we’re also sinned against. Someone may hurt you and you may hurt someone. It’s better we prepare for it so that we’re not surprised or caught off guard. 

If you’re currently walking in ministry pain, I encourage you to get around a trusted friend to process out loud. Be patient with yourself. Depending on your needs, I encourage you to invest in a therapist you feel comfortable with. The road will feel long and lonely, but it can and will be worth it. Years later, you will find yourself to be a more effective ministry leader and more importantly, a greater lover of Jesus.

If you as a leader have hurt another leader, it’s never too late to reach out and begin the process of reconciliation. This may be what the church at large needs, even more than your sermons, leadership principles, or your exercised gifts. If you have been a Saul or an Absalom to another, we can own our end without justifying it, even if the other person wasn’t a David.

I long for the day when Christians won’t hurt each other. Until then, I’m glad the Lord makes the best use of our hurts. He lived this out through his own death and resurrection. Surely, there can be resurrections in the deaths we’ve caused and experienced.